#the rest is hazy...

[eudaemon-m]

0 thoughts

[miralyk]

it's been one of those years pass the yaoi

[elysiuminfra]

🧍i feel like if someone hasn’t been a patient at a psychiatric hospital they don’t really get just how dehumanized people with stigmatized disorders are. like. basic respect and dignity was just not present in my stays.

when i was 17, i was in the adolescent ward, and the conditions were just awful. it was a hospital up north, a bit of a ways out of town. bug infestations in the bedrooms. black mold in the showers. (you couldn’t shower with the door closed. someone had to be watching you.) mold in the food. it wasn’t for a lack of funding. none of it was going back to the facility. i had prescribed SSRI medication i took every day. i had my documentation prepared, and it took them 3 days to get it. i went into withdrawal after the first day, so i spent 48 hours in pain, in confusion, and not knowing where i was or what i was doing. we also got only one five minute phone call a day. i stayed there for only nine days, because i knew if you lied, made little noise, and made yourself as small as possible, they’d let you go sooner. some people had been there for weeks, months, years, even when they would’ve been better off at home, or in another facility - it was to make money off of their stay. pure profit off of traumatized children. children acted out because their needs were not being met and we were abused by the staff. children would be hit, tackled, forcibly sedated, verbally abused in regards to their weight or appearance, their belongings would be stolen by the staff. my mother couldn’t get any information out of the facility about me. she didn’t even know i was being released until the day i was allowed to leave.

a girl i was with fell ill with something. high fever, chills, throwing up, respiratory symptoms. i begged nurses to take her temperature, because i knew she had a fever, and the nurses refused, because we were crazy teenagers making it up. it wasn’t until i told a night nurse she was ill and nobody was listening that she took her temperature. 102. she was put on bed rest and given antibiotics, but was neglected so badly she developed pneumonia and had to go to the emergency room. she already had asthma and wasn’t getting enough oxygen. (she recovered, but i never saw her again.)

this was in a small town adolescent hospital in north louisiana. i was lucky my stay was so short.

after this, years later, i had to go to another hospital. i was put in the addict ward for having narcotics in my system, and that stay was a lot better. i was an adult, the nurses were attentive, and the staff considerate. (another interesting story for another time.) before that, in the ER while they were looking for a facility with open beds, i was locked in a small concrete room. i was confined to my bed and had to ask to leave it if i wanted to use the bathroom. if i got up without permission i would’ve been tied down. no windows, except for the security guard always watching me. tv on 24/7. constant noise. 72 hours, no medication, intense ssri withdrawal. a man in a room next to me was tied down and beaten for shouting for help. (i don’t even blame him. he didn’t know where he was or what was going on!)

day two i asked the security guard for water, as i hadn’t had much in 24 hours. he did not give me any. i waited three hours before a nurse came by and checked my vitals. i begged her for water. she was baffled that i had to wait so long just to be given a cup of tap water.

no clocks either. no sense of what time it was. no way to see if it was day or night. tiny grey room. no control over the noise, the lights, or movement. no medication. no communication. just the threat of being tied down if i made too much of a fuss. for 72 hours! i used to not have claustrophobia, but now i cannot stand feeling trapped in a space, or i start to freak out. this was just my stay in the emergency room! and i had no idea when i was going to leave!

anyways. these stories are tame in comparison to what other people have seen and dealt with. but i think about it. i’m haunted by it. people like me are kept locked up in facilities where they are abused and unable to recover in those conditions. i was lucky that i could play their game. i could force myself to stay quiet and be small enough that they couldn’t find a reason to keep me longer. and it’s all for profit. they make so much fucking money off of it. particularly adolescent facilities. but people who have never had to deal with psychiatric facilities first hand don’t care because they’ve never been in a position where you are suffering and you’re begging medical staff to help you and they just treat you like a liar so you’re forced to suffer quietly or theyd sedate you 🤷 or lock you in a room and leave you there until they felt like you were allowed to leave.

so you’re there because you’re mentally ill and need help but if you showed signs of being mentally ill they would punish you for it.

[starzarealligned]

Last drawin w this pencil..I’m finally moving on to a diff brush… rip to the one that started it all 😞

[circle-guard109]

Is..it bad to feel..I don't know? Nauseas? Sick???? Could be the head truama...

Sigh..

When I die, I'm haunting...I..I can't remember

[saintristesse]

Sirius O. Black, through the years.

close-ups

[lovendersonline]

keep sweet💌

[frereamour]

found a new dadson book, "Nocturnes for the King of Naples" by Edmund White. finished it between yesterday and today. the dadson isn't central but it informs the central narrative which is constructed as sort of epistolary novel in which the narrator addresses an older lover "you" who he credits with rescuing him from said dad. It's interspersed with accounts of other lovers who all fail to live up to 'you' in the narrator's memory. 'you' is pretty much, at least from my reading, an idealised version of the narrator's father, with none of his 'excesses' (moralized within the text and associated with his fatness; the narrator, and all his lovers, on the other hand, are thin), but with all his wealth and intellectual pursuits (except genuine and not farsical) including the group of devoted followers (but 'you' is gregarious and worthy of admiration, father throws money at desperate hangers on and then gets rid of them). the narrator doesn't ever make the connection about the similarities between father and 'you', but the text does.

the narrator is stuck in a perpetual adolescence, which he subconsciously identifies as the height of his desirability to both his father and 'you'.

he is obsessed with youth (none more than his own) and has trouble aging, casts all his previous behaviours and pursuits as endearing to others only because he was young and beautiful, and yet he recalls those years with fond nostalgia.

I didn't much care for the epigraph but one thing I would agree with, is the evocation here with ancient greek style pederasty. which is only apparent in the father/you dichotomy with father being a disreputable man who takes advantage of his son, while 'you' is the distinguished 'patriarch' educating his 'heir'.

there's a general air of racial superiority about 'you's millieu and the narrator's observations that makes this a coherent reading imo -> also the link between incest and racism, that we often don't talk about here (here being the incestina circles, that great institution). but at the heart of incest (especially parental incest) is a desire to preserve the 'purity' of the family line from external influence or to retreat to its safety when met with the 'harshness' of the other.

[sixoclocker]

I have to admit that's an awesome hc regarding Zenith Martlet. Now that I think about it, wouldn't it be quite the development if after a Genocide run, and a reset happens, Martlet gains ripple proof memory because of the determination, and is aware of the horrifying predicament Clover's in in regards to Flowey and what he's done to Clover, and she makes an effort to always hug them and remind them they're not alone to ensure they don't end up the way they did in Genocide.

i certainly think she tries. she doesn’t know how to show how much she cares without it being a little strange but i think as each route progresses after the geno one she tries her best to show she cares. because she doesn’t want that to happen again (of course, because resets happening constantly is essentially canon until true pacifist, this doesn’t work— but it’s the thought that counts, right?)

[sunstonespark]

making a blorb sheet is like.. literally the most self indulgent thing and uhm here it is uwu

[dieversa]

RIP gorgeous Jane Birkin

[bryverros]

Love whenever you DC post because everything I know about dc comes from having watched Batman and Robin when I was about 8 and Titans (the tv show)

oh boy… titans the tv show… i was very opinionated about that one in 2021. i dont remember shit now but i think i was mostly fuming at how dirty they did kon and tim. </3

[atticcreationz]

I know everyone is excited for Fantasy High to get the new d20 production treatment with Junior Year (and believe me, I am too, especially excited for having a full opening credits song and animation!)

But while I'm rewatching the last section of FHSY before the new season starts, I'm remembering how much I love having all 7 of them on screen at the same time. I love being able to watch the players react to Brennan's descriptions, watching Brennan react to their wonderful character interactions and awesome combat strategies, love being able to see the players joking across the table, checking notes and planning moves with each other. Not a bad thing at all, change is good and there's pros and cons to everything!

Ultimately I think it's special that we have a campaign in d20 that has lived through so many different formats! Classic fire hazard dome with the block colours, live stream, pandemic stream, and full dome projections!

[shouga-nai]

"You wage a war you cannot win..."

[the-most-beloved-colleiflower]

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˚ ༘*❀｡˚ꕥ through hazy forests does she find rest...┊ooc || Out-Of-Character

˚ ༘*❀｡˚ꕥ a girl made of nature~┊ic || In-Character

˚ ༘*❀｡˚ꕥ a walk through new forest!┊games/prompts || Ask Games and Prompts

˚ ༘*❀｡˚ꕥ architects for a better future!┊architecture || Collei working with Kaveh on architecture

collei🍀 || Collei’s Tag

tighnari🍃 || Tighnari’s Tag

cyno⌛ || Cyno’s Tag

naila🌲 || Naila’s Tag

sethos⏳ || Sethos's Tag

alhaitham🌿 || Alhaitham’s Tag

kaveh🕌 || Kaveh’s Tag

mehrak📗 || Mehrak’s Tag

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[hazyy-moomoo]

kys pick-me. 😂

i take pick me as a compliment actually :3 i luv seeking mens attention :3